The Lovie Theory
Our parents loved the wildlife at their Wisconsin home. For years, two sandhill cranes would grace our parents with their presence. Our Mom took the cranes to symbolize their union as husband and wife, hence she called them - The Lovies. Sandhill cranes mate for life and form a pair bond. They choose their partners based on dancing displays. When Mom and Dad came home from their long stay in Madison, WI following our Dad’s brain surgery to treat his cancer, she was so excited to see her “Lovies”. Upon their arrival home, the cranes were there and Mom said, “our lovies! our lovies!” - hence the name The Lovie Theory. Although, our parents have passed, their Lovies continue to be loyal to the family estate.
One evening while we were talking about our experience in caring for both of our parents we discussed how unfamiliar we were in the end-of-life process. Our research found that 25% of Americans die in nursing homes with end-of-life care consistently being found to be less than adequate in this setting. Even for those residents on hospice, end-of-life care has been found to be problematic.¹ In addition, surveys show that a large amount of Americans want to take their last breath at home, in their own bed, surrounded by their loved ones. Furthermore, per the Stanford School of Medicine, studies show that approximately 80% of Americans would prefer to die at home. However, 60% of Americans die in acute care hospitals, 20% in nursing homes and only 20% at home. A small minority of dying patients use hospice care and even those patients are often referred to hospice only in the last 3-4 weeks of their life.²
If 80% of Americans would prefer to die at home, why is it so uncommon?² When most of us plan for our retirement, we usually are focusing how we want to live when we retire, not how we are going to die. An article on the topic appeared in the NextAvenue website. The article asked the question, “How realistic is dying at home?” As you will read, there are many reasons why there is such a significant disconnect between our wishes and the crude reality. As AgingOptions points out, the biggest problem is the same one that plagues so many aspects of American retirement - failure to plan ahead. According to NextAvenue, there are a host of issues that make dying at home a major challenge. First they state, the U.S. is plagued with a severe shortage of professional home caregivers. Then there’s cost: high-quality help in the home is an expense beyond the means of many retirees and their families. Lifestyle also enters into the picture, because people today are often so busy with their own work and family lives, they lack the time, or choose not to, pitch in to help family members provide 24-hour care. As Rajiv Nagaich of AgingOptions has noted, the decline in home care for the dying doesn’t seem to be as notable in other countries. NextAvenue interviewed a Harvard expert on palliative care who had traveled to Japan and New Zealand. “I get the sense that in other countries, the resources that are available at home are larger, more extensive,” she said. Great Britain, where the hospice movement started in the 1960s also offers much more robust services than the U.S., assigning case managers and several nurses to home visitation teams.²
By contrast, hospice care in the U.S. can be costly and services restricted. (Among other limitations, Medicare’s hospice coverage is limited to those with no more than six months of life expectancy.) In the U.S. hospice was developed to assist families to care for patients, not to provide 24-hour, around-the-clock care at home. Hospices vary in their willingness to care for patients with limited home support.”²
As AgingOptions points out, the conclusion in the NextAvenue article is sobering. Faced with costly alternatives, family members unable or unwilling to take Family Medical Leave (FMLA), organizations not offering pre-bereavement PTO, a shortage of family caregivers - and, inadequate planning - even fewer people in the future seem destined to experience a peaceful passing in familiar surroundings.²
(originally reported at www.nextavenue.org and agingoptions.com)
At The Lovie Theory, we are on a mission to help provide resources and valuable insight to help individuals that would like to make the sacred transition at home become a reality. The Co-Founders of The Lovie Theory have big plans for this organization. We will be offering patients and their loved ones a complimentary Lovie Theory Basket (TLT Basket coming soon), bringing the organization to a non-profit status, enlisting in the End of Life Doula Certification and much more.
A thousand mile journey, starts with one step.
Julie & Ann Marie
¹NCBI .nlm.nih.gov - Hospice family members’ perception and experiences with end-of-life care.
²If 80 Percent of Americans Would Prefer Dying at Home, Why Is It So Uncommon?
Marilyn and Bill’s 45th Wedding Anniversary
“I am the woman who doesn’t talk. My name is a stone in the back of my throat. I cannot tell you who I am. My songs are stuck inside me. I can hear them but my voice is gone. My ears work and my eyes can see. Everything comes through me. I go to the river with the women who wash their clothes on the rocks. I watch them as the water rolls over their skin. They talk and laugh and their babies coo on the riverbank. Someone is always watching....Keeping them safe. The women turn their naked skin to the sun. I sit on blankets, watching the stones, listening to the music they make in the river. I wait for one of them to jump down out of my throat to join the rest. Then I can sing. Then I can speak who I am. My prayers are lonely without my song. In this quiet place, no one has ink or paper here. No one has forgotten who they are.”